First, I will not say that I have “lost” you, since claiming
to have lost something implies that it’s something worth finding again, as in “I’ve
lost my keys” or “I’ve lost my wallet.” Besides, when we gain weight, we don’t
claim to have “found” an extra 5 or 10 pounds. So as far as I’m concerned, I
have ditched you—you are hereby banished from my life, and you are no longer
welcome in my presence. GTFO, and don’t ever come back.
You see, I thought I had rid myself of you permanently a few
years ago, but I stupidly allowed you to re-enter my life. It’ll be
comfortable, you said. You know I belong with you, you said. We were happy
together, you said. Besides, getting back together will be fun, you said—all you
have to do is eat all the pizza, bagels, cake, cookies, candy, and ice cream
you want, and I’ll be back before you know it.
And, like a desperate lover, I took you back. But you were
never good for me, and as soon as you came back into my life, I knew I had made
a huge mistake. You made me tired. You made me look bad in public (and in
private too). I was embarrassed to be seen with you, and I would make excuses
for your presence. Having you around was a tremendous burden. You held me back
from doing things that I love—like working out, being active, eating healthy, being
productive, socializing, meeting cute guys…and you enabled all of my most
unhealthy instincts. We just weren’t a good match, but you insisted on staying
around, so I started to see myself as a victim (again) of my own inertia. You
were abusive and bad for me.
It’s taken me almost three weeks to get rid of you, and I’ve
decided to end it. I don’t want you in my life. Let’s face it—we’re a bad
match. I’m not happy when you’re around, and you could probably do someone else
some good. I’m not sure who…maybe some malnourished homeless person, maybe an
anorexic teenage girl—just anyone who needs you in his or her life. But I
certainly don’t. And my resolve is firm this time. I’m not letting you—or your
equally unhealthy and unwanted friends—back in my life. Ever.
And speaking of your friends, don’t despair. Wherever you
wind up, you won’t be alone, because I’ll soon be sending lots of them to join
you.
